Do you ever experience any of the following thoughts popping up in your head?
“There is something not right in my life.”
“I failed on my parents’ expectations.”
“I don’t look attractive.”
“I am too chubby or too skinny.”
“I am too short or too tall.”
“I am too dusky or too dark.”
“I don’t have enough money or as much as they have.”
“I am not as successful as they are.”
“Look at that person of my age; I achieved nothing in comparison to them.”
“I am single or alone.”
“I wish I had an attractive partner like them.”
“I am too young or too old to try this new thing.”
“I wish my child is as successful as theirs.”
and my favorite “If I do this or do not do this, WHAT WILL PEOPLE Think?”
Most of you reading might have experienced one or more from the above, depending on where you are at in your life. This very experience I refer to here is as SHAME. The more personal you imagine it, the more universal it is, in reality. It’s just something most people do not express because it is not yet normalized to talk in the society we live.
Shame is the most destructive emotion that aggressively cripples you to keep you silent about the turbulence you are dealing with round the clock. It’s a continuous internal dialogue that you wish you could stop, but more you resist it, the more it persists. It has only one cause to question the relevance of your whole EXISTENCE.
Let’s dive into the roots of shame where it comes from. In most cases, the parents or caregivers have the best interest of their children; unconsciously, they are the ones who plant the seeds of shame in a child. Although parents intend to motivate their child by inflicting shame, it seldom helps the cause. Instead, it hurts the most potent treasure every child is born with, the Self-Worth.
Shame is like a genetically inherited trait, more precisely a Multi-Generational WOUND passing on in families. Many parents project their resentments on their children with one of the typical one-liners:
“You have no idea how many struggles we had.”
“We studied under the street light or oil lamp.”
“We used to walk like 100 miles for school! Really??
“How many sacrifices we have made for you.”
“We would be beaten until blue if we dared to disobey.”
“We would wear the same clothes from our elder siblings.”
“Look at the Sharmaji ka Beta.”
Although your child might appreciate your favor of not beating them until Blue or letting them buy branded clothes or shoes, they might feel more ashamed of speaking up for their needs next time. Those critical words cause irreparable damage to them; you wish you knew it before.
Instead of being motivated when these children turn adult, many begin doing things more self-sabotaging to their life goals. Let’s understand in what forms self-sabotage can be manifested:
“Turning rebellious instead of becoming obedient.”
“Procrastinating behaviors with the internet, while they got a deadline.”
“Eating junk foods, while their resolution is to get jacked.”
“Trading a good-night Sleep for Binge-watching Netflix or pornography.”
“Getting drunk, indulgence in risky behaviors.”
Once a child’s self-esteem is broken, they might never feel good enough in their whole life. The question “do I even matter?” haunts them forever. They might work hard to accomplish so many things in their life; those are never fulfilling to feel enough. They chase an unending mirage of that last missing piece; if they could find it, they would feel complete.
They develop a belief system that they don’t deserve to be loved until they have fulfilled yours and later theirs self-expectations. Until then, they will keep hating themselves. If you are a parent, please sit down with your child and ask them today. Good luck to you if you are giving it a shot with Your parents.
I do not intend to Demonize the parents at all; nobody goes to a school to learn how to do parenting. As I already acknowledged, shame is a multi-generational wound that must be healed to stop its infliction in the next generation.
It is crucial to understand the distinction between Guilt and Shame. Guilt is a healthy emotion that one creates after realizing a mistake, and that keeps you sane. In contrast, shame is an assumption that there is fundamentally something wrong with you.
Now you may ask what you can do about it. The simple answer is you begin to heal your own wounds; that’s how you learn to forgive your older generation and prevent inflicting this wound to your next generation. When it comes to healing your own scars, you have a vast variety of paths to choose from, based on your preference. You can meditate, pray to your god or the universal power you believe in, and write down everything you are feeling and dealing with. Do it once; let me know how it felt. Be mindful of your words when you talk to a child next time. You can replace shaming with the cultivation of gratitude, this will go a long way. We will talk about the different paths of healing this multi-generational wound in the next blog.